Schmuddelkind
Autor
Advisor: Mr. President, we need to talk about an uncomfortably technical, but nevertheless very important issue now: the nuclear codes. As you can see, there are several buttons on your desk.
President: Boring!
Advisor: First you have to type in a code consisting of eight digits to get the system started. Tentatively I chose your date of birth, but I will show you later how to change the code.
President (types in code): No, that's fine with me.
Advisor: Then you use these buttons in order to define a target.
President: I choose China.
Advisor: OK - it's OK. The missiles won't go off, unless you push the big red button.
President (pushes the button): That one?
Advisor: Oh Jesus Christ! OK, Mr. President - don't panic!
President: I'm cool.
Advisor: You have one minute to push the button again to take back the order.
President (pushes the button again): I saved the world.
Advisor: Woosh! Yes, you did, Mr. President.
President: That's a funny little thing. Danger on - danger off - danger on - danger off - danger on - oh, I'm on the news!
Anchorman: ....caused irritations after having said in his inauguration speech, quote: "I grabbed Lady Liberty by the p****. I did. It's true. And I'm proud of it, though at best I can give her a six - fat b****! We don't want your tired, your poor, your drug dealers and your rapists."
Advisor: You have to...
President: Totally taken out of context. Sad!
Advisor: You really have to focus now, for god's sake!
President: It's a rigged system, I tell ya.
Advisor: Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!
President: Everyone knows.
Advisor: Mr president!!!
President: That's me!
Advisor: Oh fine, it's too late. The nukes are on their way.
President: Oops. Can you get them back, please?
Advisor: No, Mr. President. Unfortunately I cannot.
President: Oh, then someone should send China an e-mail.
Advisor: You have to call them. You have to tell them it was a mistake and that you are very, very, very sorry.
President: No, I would never do that.
Advisor: But you made a mistake and now you have to apologize, before China declares war on us.
President: You mean, they're that angry? Can't you call them? Tell them it was locker room teasing!
Advisor (dials a number): No, Mr. President. This is up to you.
President (takes the phone): Hello China? Hi, how are you doing, folks? This is America calling. Glad, I got through. I thought it might get difficult because of the missiles... Yeah, the missiles. There are massive nuclear missiles on their way to you. We sent them... Yeah, they'll destroy many of your cities. Millions of people will die. Sad! Listen, if you wanna talk to somebody, I'll be there - but not now; they're showing old episodes of "The Apprentice". Anyway, we should keep in touch. I have to know how you guys built such an amazing wall. It's huge! Nice talking to ya. Bye.
(Geschrieben am Vorabend des Wahlsieges Trumps)
President: Boring!
Advisor: First you have to type in a code consisting of eight digits to get the system started. Tentatively I chose your date of birth, but I will show you later how to change the code.
President (types in code): No, that's fine with me.
Advisor: Then you use these buttons in order to define a target.
President: I choose China.
Advisor: OK - it's OK. The missiles won't go off, unless you push the big red button.
President (pushes the button): That one?
Advisor: Oh Jesus Christ! OK, Mr. President - don't panic!
President: I'm cool.
Advisor: You have one minute to push the button again to take back the order.
President (pushes the button again): I saved the world.
Advisor: Woosh! Yes, you did, Mr. President.
President: That's a funny little thing. Danger on - danger off - danger on - danger off - danger on - oh, I'm on the news!
Anchorman: ....caused irritations after having said in his inauguration speech, quote: "I grabbed Lady Liberty by the p****. I did. It's true. And I'm proud of it, though at best I can give her a six - fat b****! We don't want your tired, your poor, your drug dealers and your rapists."
Advisor: You have to...
President: Totally taken out of context. Sad!
Advisor: You really have to focus now, for god's sake!
President: It's a rigged system, I tell ya.
Advisor: Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!
President: Everyone knows.
Advisor: Mr president!!!
President: That's me!
Advisor: Oh fine, it's too late. The nukes are on their way.
President: Oops. Can you get them back, please?
Advisor: No, Mr. President. Unfortunately I cannot.
President: Oh, then someone should send China an e-mail.
Advisor: You have to call them. You have to tell them it was a mistake and that you are very, very, very sorry.
President: No, I would never do that.
Advisor: But you made a mistake and now you have to apologize, before China declares war on us.
President: You mean, they're that angry? Can't you call them? Tell them it was locker room teasing!
Advisor (dials a number): No, Mr. President. This is up to you.
President (takes the phone): Hello China? Hi, how are you doing, folks? This is America calling. Glad, I got through. I thought it might get difficult because of the missiles... Yeah, the missiles. There are massive nuclear missiles on their way to you. We sent them... Yeah, they'll destroy many of your cities. Millions of people will die. Sad! Listen, if you wanna talk to somebody, I'll be there - but not now; they're showing old episodes of "The Apprentice". Anyway, we should keep in touch. I have to know how you guys built such an amazing wall. It's huge! Nice talking to ya. Bye.
(Geschrieben am Vorabend des Wahlsieges Trumps)
